“Wife lost a sewing needle in the carpet and I found it a few days later…”

“Just lost my airpod.”

“Just got stung by a wasp and I have a job interview later today… can’t even talk right.”

“Final Fantasy IV vinyl came to the mail today… $450 :(“

“Tried to save a few trees and bought a silicone “cotton swab”. Guess who’s in urgent care because the other end is stuck in his ear?”

“Friends all said they’d get dressed up in costumes this year for a party. Spent 5 hours on makeup and about $100 on makeup alone. Nobody showed up. SO refused to dress up too.”

“Parked my bike outside a friends house for less than an hour, came back out to find someone keyed the shit out of my tank just in time for my Halloween ride.”

“Amazon delivered me an empty package that wasn’t even sealed, no game today…”

“Spent two weeks 3D printing and painting this motorized iron man helmet for Halloween. Accidentally left it in my car during the day and it deformed beyond repair.”

“Here’s how my day went.”

“Hope my $17 jacket and $15 Amazon return were worth it for you, jackoff..”

“Matty Matheson’s daughter wanted to help make her own birthday cake.”

“My girlfriend has eaten waffles for the last 2 last days. Today when I was putting the syrup away I noticed that it was full of dozens of dead ants. Should I tell her?”

“When you forget it’s paving day.”

“Checked into the last room available late last night in the middle of nowhere..”

“First halloween in my new neighborhood and didn’t get a single Trick or Treater.”

“See that red note under the paper towel? Someone thought that was a good place to put the out of order sign. The best part? My new clothes are locked in there until tomorrow when a mechanic can break the thing open.”

“Decided to throw a Halloween party for the first time in years. Just found out no one is coming.”

“I bought a box of oatmeal at Costco and it was filled with trash and old homework.”

“Dr. Pepper” from the drive-through. Lady insisted there’s nothing wrong with it…..”

“After finishing my third 12 hour shift on Halloween night I come home this morning to this lovely surprise.”

“Guess it’s toast for breakfast today.”

“I ordered shoes to wear at my wedding next month and was so excited to try them on…until I opened the box.”

“I moved the refrigerator and tore the vinyl floor…”

“This is what happened while i was scraping off my windshield this morning.”