These expert jackers have trained their entire lives for this moment. Sealed away in their inner sanctums, surrounded by screens, tissues, and bottles of lotion, vigorously studying “the blade,” these men have dedicated their existences to becoming smut samurai.

And now, they’ve left their dojos, escaping the simulation and walking among us once more. Their only directive: to meet and hug the porn stars they have so lovingly enjoyed over the years.

Never stand between a gooner and his favorite “performer”: he will cut you down with a single stroke. When you spend this much time gooning, one stroke is all it takes.